Entry 1
5:53AM CST, Fort Hood, TX
After several months in the midst of various epiphanies, I am again awake. I don’t like my words to stand on stilts. I don’t like things that sound unreal. It’s just that this feels so good, this that I am doing right now. No one will ever notice this. People who notice this will mostly not have good intentions. Or they won’t. It won’t matter. I’m doing good at the things that I am doing. And I’m tired of being the marginalized shoulda-been of a generation. It’s like you know somewhere inside all of the haters, you can hear it bubbling up: we’re really just fucking petrified of what’s going to happen when you finally do make it big. They may not understand that I don’t care, I only want my share, I only want what’s fair.
H. is out of my life again finally. When I say that, I mean she’s out of my head again finally. It really isn’t her fault how long she lingered. It really isn’t. It has a lot more to do with me and my obsessive nature. I just couldn’t let her go. But she didn’t want to go either. It’s all lost in the ether. I know few things for sure. That’s all that’s really sure.
I know that I am good at everything I apply myself to. I know that I am almost out of the army. I know that that is probably a very good thing. I know that Roxane Gay refused to let me order a book by my old friend Tracy. I guess Tracy and I are not friends anymore. Roxane Gay returned my money. Like she was self-publishing her own book or something. I don’t know. I’m sure someone will buy me a copy. It will still be my money. She said she was being a hypocrite by taking my money. She said a lot of things. I don’t want any of this to be about all of that.
I’ve been making a lot of money working for myself. I’m probably going to make more money freelancing than the writers who got book deals this year. I don’t know if that does anything to quell the jealousy or not. It really doesn’t. But I’m 23 years old and I’m making a lot of money doing things that I taught myself to do. That seems important.
Speaking of, I have to get back to it. I took the night off to watch a couple movies. I didn’t get near as much done as I should have gotten done. I never do. Well, not since I started making more money than I need. As always it’s made me kind of lazy. Which is okay.